Laughster

Haven’t I seen you before? Nice ass.

I’m a Romantic. “I’m poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I’m sick of masturbation.

You’re the only man I’ve ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn’t rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It’s just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She’s kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He’s not my type. He won’t sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you ‘really’ love me? I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out.

I’ll give you a call. I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I’ve been thinking a lot. You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You’re ugly.

I’ve learned a lot from you. Next!

Three men walking through the woods get lost and find themselves at a raging river. As night begins to fall the men turn to prayer.

1st man: Dear God, please help me to cross this river.

A rubber raft appears and the man paddles and fights his way across taking five hours.

2nd man: Dear God, please help me to quickly cross this river.

A wooden boat appears and he rows across to the other side of the river taking three hours.

3rd man: Dear God, please give me the presence of mind, the courage and ability to make it across the river.

The man changes into a woman, she reads the map, and walks over the bridge.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She
said, “‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

How are men like UFOs?

You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

yo dick so small its small

What does a stupid man do with 365 used rubbers??
Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.

The little brother of an Army radar operator asked, “Jim, tell me how does a radar work?”

“The radar transmitter emits brief impulses of electromagnetic waves which are reflected from the target and received by a special receiver.

Since the speed at which electromagnetic waves propagate is exactly known and the time they take to travel to the target and back can be determined with a great degree of accuracy it is possible to determine the range to the target as well as the direction to it.”

His brother pondered a moment, then said, “As long as you don’t know, Jim, why don’t you just say so?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

14. Women would rule the world.

A doctor had an affair with his nurse and a few months later,
she became pregnant. He told her to go to Germany and send a
postcard reading SAURKRAUT when she had the baby. One day, his
wife called and told him that he had received a very strange
postcard. He came home, read it and fell over dead. The wife
read it and it said:

SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT

2 WITH WEINERS, 2 WITHOUT