Laughster

The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained
30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big
hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Uh…top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww…that’s cute
9. Well, at least you’re good at other things
8. Do you think it’ll fit my old Barbie� clothes?
7. My li’l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh…look…its hiding!

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doing?”

Mary is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He works out at the gym with me.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.

Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

When Mom and the kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we’d offer some help…

10> Don’t use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.

9> It’s not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.

8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.

7> Don’t rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.

6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.

5> Socks first, *then* shoes.

4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.

3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make “self-cleaning spaghetti.”

2> Never wash the youngest’s clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.

1> Check your wife’s underwear drawer; if it’s empty, she’s not coming back.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

How many legs does a chicken have?

A. Two. Right

Q. And how many wings does a chicken have?

A. Yes. Two. right again.

Q. Well how many beaks does a chicken have?

A. One. got it.

Q. How many bones does a cat have?

A. Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.

Men — are you sure you can trust something that bleeds for seven days and
still lives?

There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that they’ve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.

The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said “I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night.” and the guy on the right said “Me too” and the guy in the middle said “I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!”

Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?

Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

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Why are hangovers better than women?

Hangovers will go away.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

So they can stand closer to the sink

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How do you know when a women’s about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me….”

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How do you fix a woman’s watch?

You don’t…there’s a clock on the oven!

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I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name…”

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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The Dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

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One golfer tells another: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

The other replies: “GREAT trade!”

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What are two reasons why women don’t mind their own business?

1.No mind.

2.No business.

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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” and I said, “Dust!”

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Why do women like intelligent men?

Opposites attract.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women’s sex drive by 90 percent….

Wedding cake!!!