there was a guy who was in a 20 mph zone and he was going very fast so he got pulled over and the officer said “do u know how fast you were going?” duh! i was going 20 mph every one else was just going very slow.
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”
NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No. Good!
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.
When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, ”Who do you think has all of the judges!”
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” re`lied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”
A Virginia inmate tried to sue him for $5 million on the grounds that he had
gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a
crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.
A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were
violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal
Service.
An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not
say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices
were secret.
A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the
Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.
An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.
A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and
suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a “defective haircut” by an
unqualified barber.
An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.
An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison
employees held for a guard leaving his job.
A Colorado con sued for early release because “everyone knows a con only
serves about three years of a 10-year sentence.”
An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Regain for his baldness.