Why Are NewYorkers Always so depressed?
Becuase The Light At the End Of The Tunnel Is New Jersey!!!!!
It was graduation day at UNC, and the professors were giving out the degrees. The crowd started chanting Bubba, Bubba, Bubba!
The president of the University asked, “Who’s Bubba?”
“Bubba is a guy who’s been at the University for twenty years, and hasn’t graduated.
The professor called Bubba up and told him that if he can answer one question, he would graduate. He asked him, “What is 4+4?”
“8,” Bubba said.
“Boo!” the crowd roared. “Give him another chance, give him another chance!”
this kid in kindergarden his teacher told him to write down 4 words his mother was talking on the phone and she said shut up so he writes that down then his sister said i think im in love he writes that his little bro tv show goes da da batman he writes that his dad said my buns are on fire his teacher said what words did you write shut up what did you say ooh i think im in love who do you think you are da da batman go to the principals office my buns are on fire
a man is talking to his grandson about sex.he turns an asks his grandfather how do u an grandma do it?he replied,we only have oral sex.she goes t bed in her bedroom.i go to bed in my bedroom,she yells “fuck u”and i yell “fuck u too”
by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone’s done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.44. Find a full table. Ask, “Is anyone sitting under there?” Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyone’s shoes look.45. If sitting with someone with whom you’re romantically interested, complain how the setting isn’t very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partner’s food.46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyone’s food.48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.49. Request a waitress.50. Comment on how good the food is.
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.
Others couldn’t get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “Son, that’s because you are from Arkansas.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.
“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
A small bottle containing urine sat upon the desk of Sir William Osler, the
eminent professor of medicine at Oxford University. Sitting before him was a
class full of young, wide-eyed medical students, listening to his lecture on the
importance of observing details. To emphasise his point, Sir Osler announced,
“This bottle contains a sample for analysis. It’s often possible by tasting it
to determine the disease from which the patient suffers.”
He then dipped a finger into the fluid and brought it into his mouth. He
continued speaking, “Now I am going to pass the bottle around. Each of you
please do exactly as I did. Perhaps we can learn the importance of this
techinque and diagnose the case.”
The bottle madeit’s way from row to row, each student gingerly poking his
finger in and bravely sampling the contents with a frown.
Dr. Osler then retrieved the bottle and startled his students by saying,
“Gentlemen, now you will understand what I mean when I speak about details. Had
you been observant, you would have seen that I put my INDEX FINGER in the bottle
but my MIDDLE FINGER into my mouth!”
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he’s very curious as to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.
“How have you been?” he asks.
“I’ve been fine, just fine,” she replies, “Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.”
“Bad news first, please.”
“Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.”
“Oh my, that’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!”
Less Common Latin Phrases
Quo signo nata es?
What’s your sign?
Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we’ll still be friends.
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I’m home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That’s nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.
Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Vacca foeda
Stupid cow
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let’s all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan’s Island